An update on the kids and some personal musings

Jasper learns more and more each day! He can even climb into his high chair by himself now - check it out! I know it's an accident waiting to happen, but it's still cool!



Jasper often walks on tiptoes, as he has since he could first pull himself up onto the furniture. He copies almost every noise we make, especially Piper's noises! He knows where his nose, ears, hair and penis are - I think that covers the important bits! One of his favourite pastimes is reading, particularly this book (thanks Ali and Paul!). First thing in the morning, he pulls it out while blearily rubbing his eyes, and then is very happy to sit on my lap and hear the familiar words. He can say 'dump truck' and 'tractor'. His eye is caught by bulldozers and aeroplanes. Wonder if he'll realise it when we actually climb into one and fly into the sky. He's plain cute!


This is Jasper and his first ever painting. I wish I'd taken a photo of him in the act - he has such an intent, serious, impassive look on his face!


Last week, he officially weaned himself. It corresponded with him sleeping through the night consistently. I fed him one night before bed, and then he slept through. No middle-of-the-night feed. Then Gord got up with him in the morning. No little morning feed - usually it was one in the night or one in the early morning. That day was my day off, so Gord took the kids to Sharon's and his mum's, as usual. When he got home around dinner time, I chased Jasper round the house, asking if he wanted 'boo-boo' but he just said back to me his word for 'book', so a book it was! His favourite book, of course. Then I went out that evening and Gord put Jasper to bed. He slept through, got up. I didn't bother offering a feed, cos he wasn't asking and my body couldn't really sustain keeping up production with so long a gap between feeds, and we were down to one boob anyway. On the whole, it feels nice to have a bit more of my body back, just in time for another little one to ask a lot of me. But it's kind of sad too - a definite growing up moment. He's no longer a baby.

And Piper is thinking about life in extraordinary ways. This is part of a disjointed conversation with her last night around bedtime (and after, as she continued to come out periodically to go to the toilet or tell us "one more thing"):

Piper, tearfully: "I really really wish I could be a baby again." And then I think she said something like, "cos then I wouldn't have to be so helpful." Goodness, do I push her that much, I thought?!
I said, "Sometimes I feel like that too."

Then, when trying to think of something good to dream about, I suggested she could dream about being a baby again, or being a mum with a baby of her own.
"I don't like being a mum," say Piper, "cos then I have to do all the work and I don't like doing all the work."
I think I repeated myself - "sometimes I feel like that too!"

Later, Piper asks, "What's underneath a swimming pool?" And so we had a conversation about concrete and how hard it is.

And later again, she says, tearfully again, "I'm really sad that Goofer (Jeff and Sharon's very old sick dog) died, cos she really loved me and I really loved her." And then she had me in tears. I was already kind of emotional that she wanted to be a baby again, something about such a genuine understandable desire that can't ever happen, not really. And then the truth about Goofer, who truly did love her, and who she truly loved, and who I chose to hardly engage with at all. I was in tears about her deep capacity for love, especially of animals. She teaches me so much.

Eckhart Tolle has a line in his book, A New Earth, that struck me this week:
"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness."

I certainly feel that having these kids around is leading me in the right direction, even though I dig my heels in so often, and sometimes feel like too much is being asked of me. But that statement ranges far wider: all the experience I tag with the word 'regret' or 'hard', all those experiences were, in obvious and subtle ways, working for my good. So becoming pregnant with Piper only six months into a new relationship was the most helpful thing for me at the time. And sitting in the circle of a disintegrating PUCN group, facing everyone's angst, was the most helpful thing for me at the time. And living by myself with an older woman for a year, one of the most pear-shaped experiences of my life, was the most helpful thing for me, somehow, in ways that are perhaps yet to be seen! And an angry father was the most helpful thing for me. And the nerve-wracking Tantra weekends were the most helpful thing. And coming here to Canada, away from familiar supports and places for so long, was the most helpful thing for me...

These experiences, and of course all the golden ones that are easier to remember, have shaped me into this beautiful person I am today, with this strong desire to become more aware of myself, so that I can live with a greater capacity to love, especially love for my children. I'm thankful for who I am today and therefore thankful for all these rich experiences.

It truly is a powerful thought. Perhaps it is for you too...